An Essex Girl on the Costa Blanca by Jo Black.

                An Essex Girl on the Costa Blanca by Jo Black.

"Call her a bitch, slut, whore but never tell a woman she's fat, especially an Essex girl!"

The book  was written to help raise money for Emaus children and a percentage of sales of this book will go to this charity. Imagine it's May 2005 and Michael is squeezed into a shoe-box sized toilet counting £50,000 in notes from a Tesco carrier bag. Talk about privacy. Jo Black had had her hairdressing salon for 10 years and had decided to sell without informing her staff officially. This money represented half of the payment up front and the remainder was to be paid that same afternoon once the contracts were signed. There had been two tax investigations so you can understand the need for caution and secrecy from the Inland Revenue.

£100,000 was smuggled out of the country as the family set off on their adventure to Spain to live the dream. Sounds a bit corny nowadays especially when we remember the recession, the bubble bursting and the housing market going bust! Unemployment and corruption amongst politicians. Need I say more?

Jo's father called Jo a "woman of substance" because of her successful career as well as being a single parent although there were plenty of times when she lost her bite.  He miraculously survived a major stroke. Once Jo's mission had been accomplished her aspirations turned towards the Costa Blanca and she became yet another Brit. wanting to live the dream. The jewel of the Costa Blanca was none other than Denia, cosmopolitan but still Spanish. Having seen a bar for sale on the internet in a beach location, Jo jumped in with both feet before she viewed it. Andrew's Bar along Las Marinas from Denia to Els Poblets. Another dodgy deal perhaps, a big risk?

The Frenchman who owned it wanted to sell the lease secretly behind his son's back. Nice man. Jo had married for wealth and security not love. It seems she was on the look- out for husband No.2. "I was looking for a man that wore one trouser leg so I could wear the other, I was bored of wearing both." Her accountant suggested that Jo should advertise her business by sponsoring a football team adding: "Also, while you're at it, you might find yourself a husband." So, in a nutshell this is what she did. Gary ran the Ashingdon football club and Michael, the man of the moment, a " handsome, drop-dead gorgeous guy" was co- manager. Jo was besotted but dismayed to find out about his Casanova reputation: three marriages, one engagement and currently a live-in girlfriend.

Back to business and Jo agreed to sponsor the home kit with her "Cuts N Curls" logo. Michael pestered Jo to go on a date and she eventually succumbed to this Romeo. After 6 months of dating in secrecy and constant texting the relationship got off to a flying start. By 2002 Sarina was born.

We now move into May with another visit to Spain and what a disappointment. 5,000e down payment for a dark, dingy, cold, dirty, shabby and run-down investment of a bar.

"I'm from Essex, get me out of here" kept going through her mind. This is a reminder of the risks in buying property in Spain as well as buying a business with the crooks and the cowboys not to mention the corrupt councillors. It's something we all know too well.

They persevered against the odds working all hours to run the bar which proved detrimental to their marriage. During the tourist season the business thrived but once winter approached the business struggled with the locals. Michael tended to do the late sessions so Jo and Sarina would be left home alone. This is not what Jo had anticipated. She felt that their relationship was drifting out to sea "like passing ships never having time for each other." Something had to change and drastically.

We are presented with the usual motley of colourful locals from Denzel who'd had throat cancer and who drank alcohol free lager by the bottle. What an awkward man, extremely self-opinionated. Then there's Paul and Alex, brothers. Paul was the carer. "The two odd balls" as they were called. Alex had an abnormality in his brain. Sharon was promiscuous and "cocksure of herself." She drank heavily and took drugs. And then what about more oddbods? Patsy and Connor. He had a big tattoo encrypted on the back of his head so that you would never forget his name. Patsy worked to support his drink habit. She sold investment policies.

Glasgow Gary was another dodgy character, the local druggy, thief and conman. He never paid his tab and it was rogues like him who targeted English bars.

If you're an ex-pat like me, you'll know about the bous a la mar. Ironically, the teasers were more than likely to end up in the sea whilst the bulls remained on dry land. Very sensible. The Fallas I enjoy, heralding the arrival of spring.  This fiesta is seen as one of the most spectacular festivals in Denia with the females in particular wearing beautiful gowns of brocade, lace and silk. And of course there's San Juan.

"One is to jump over the fire three times at midnight or for the not so brave, to jump over 3 waves of the sea."

Wacky but such fun. There's a few silly gaffes showing Jo's naivety over nightclubs and whorehouses, Sticky Vicky a la Benidorm, orange sellers and prostitutes and what about this one? "tengo una peinier en mi boca." This should have read: "I have a mouth ulcer."

Find out whether Jo and Michael survived and whether Jo is still following her dream or whether she's given up on it and returned to England.

"If ever you're on the Costa Blanca and you can hear an Essex girl singing in a bar, "It's raining men" that's me."

Publisher: Brewster Publications.   ISBN: 978-0-9576734-0-3

REVIEW it by Carol Naylor.

Copyright 2015. Permission must be obtained from the author before any of this article review is reproduced.