Seriously Mum What's an Alpaca? by Alan Parks.

   Seriously Mum What's an Alpaca? by Alan Parks.

"A landscape full of mountainside and valleys, punctuated by pine trees, while in the distance the sea glistening in the sunlight. It seemed so idyllic and perfect. What could be better than a life in the sun with these beautiful animals as companions?"

This memoir, the first of two must be about falling in love with a dream that eventually reaches fruition after a lot of hard work and agonising moments. Seriously Mum, What's A Donkey? is the sequel to this Spanish adventure. Alan Parks was encouraged to write about this new venture-breeding alpacas in Spain, quite a big upheaval from life in the UK to a remote part of Andalucia, the frying pan of Spain because of the summer heat, without the mod-cons that we so depend upon!

On the bright side it seemed like a vision of utopia but in reality  nerves were often shot to pieces, paranoia set in along with plenty of setbacks and heartaches.

The memoir is a frank account of two people who were tempted to abandon a safe but tedious life for a challenging adventure. Alan believed that breeding alpacas could be a profitable business. They were tempted by thoughts of a fantastic lifestyle as well as making pots of money! The animals were bewitching and naturally they fell in love with them.

"If you deal with livestock you have to deal with dead stock too." Such a sobering thought when you want to breed animals. Alan and partner, Lorna had to contend with aborted cria and dispose of the dead babies. They came to realise that sometimes sick animals don't make it and this is the gritty reality if you live the dream you have to deal with the nightmare too
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The Olive Mill near Montoro was ideal for their needs, in a remote area but with plenty of character and potential. Mary-Belle, the pot-bellied pig came with the house, so to speak and before long there was a motley collection of domesticated as well as feral animals and birds. They acquired 2 Mastin Espanol whose ears had been chopped off and tails wired and a number of chickens. Beyonce and JLo were so named because of their constant bum wiggling. Basil (Fawlty) was the name bestowed on the first cria born that survived.

Breeding alpacas in Spain was seen as a pioneering enterprise, innovative and they felt immensely proud. With the arrival of their first 3 alpacas they became instantaneous celebrities with the locals.

They tolerated scams and cons with car buying and roof repairs caught out through their own vulnerability and naivety. It happens.

The alpacas were usually friendly but were overly protective of their young and would spit a green bile from the pits of their stomachs, referred to as the most putrid gunk imaginable.

" She really must have dredged up every last bit of it from the pit of all of her stomach. It was enough to make me retch."

 Lorna refers to this incident when Alan was gunged Noel Edmond's style by Bermuda who had a wicked reputation.

DIY farming and plumbing as well as administering medication to sick animals, even sleeping in the barn with the animals seem to be prerequisites. And with solar energy, if the sun doesn't shine for weeks at a time then what happens? Not a lot. No electricity. Water from a well sounds wonderful until the well blocks. What about the rain that turns a stream into a fast flowing river and the leaking roof? Sounds exciting. All part of the fun.

There were plenty of regrets but they learnt a lot about themselves before starting to appreciate this crazy country of Spain and feel stronger and better people. There is humour and warmth as well as sadness and regrets.

Publisher: Ant Press.  ISBN: 978-1-48201-1609 Also available on ereader.

 COPYRIGHT.2014. Permission must be obtained before reproduction of any part of this article     review.

Seriously Mum, What’s an Alpaca?

The book came about after numerous friends, upon being told of various situations we had faced, said to us “You should write a book!” In the summer of 2012, when it was far too hot to do much else, I decided to do just that, and ‘Alpaca’ was born. Originally I titled it Bloody Hell, What’s an Alpaca? (That is what Lorna’s daughter said when we told her our plans) But I had a few problems with that title on certain US web sites, so it had to be changed.

The book charts our journey, from decision through to buying our Olive Mill in Andalucia and our first few years trying to make a living from breeding these amazing animals. There are also meetings with the neighbours, a night out playing bingo for live animals and plenty of other animal escapades.

Lorna and I live near a small town called Montoro, in the province of Cordoba. Our old Olive Mill is total off grid, we don’t have mains electricity and our water comes from a spring. Life can be tough, especially in the cold winters that nobody warned us about, but we love our simple life here in Spain.  Some of our friends back home in the UK scoff when we tell them we haven’t been able to use our washing machine for two weeks. To be honest if the weather is bad we could never get it dry even if we could use it. It isn’t like we have central heating. Going to bed wrapped up in four layers of clothes at 9pm just to get warm is not unheard of in winter.  But, come spring, all that is forgotten. In just over a week, at the end of March, it will be daylight until 9pm at night and we will be able to start dining outside and wearing shorts. In a few months we will be begging for rain and respite from unrelenting heat.
Would you ever go back? People ask all the time. Would we heck…we love it here!!

Alan Parks. March 2014.