The Lost Cause Part 2. by Carol Naylor

Anne, Harry and David. In happier days.

 

Imagine your worst nightmare coming true, having to confront terrifying phobias that will eventually destroy your soul, your very being. Impossible? No! I am still enmeshed in that nightmare of a world, trapped inside it, body and soul, struggling out of desperation.

From another perspective: there are beginnings and inevitably, endings, simply referred to as closures. If the pattern of life is cyclical then we can lay to rest experiences that come to an end naturally. Yes? But sadly for some of us life is not as kind and as clear-cut as this and there are no endings to our miseries. We are unfortunate and miserable victims of an unfair world, a world that no longer cares.

 

Events mingle, time might cloud over our memories but one thing remains-suffering endures beyond Time. Memories become indistinct and distant. Time, usually a healer, becomes a constant reminder of failure and loss, reinforcing our pain and suffering. A vicious circle? Yes I think so.

 

Having faith in Christianity has given me a strong conviction that my loss and suffering was for a purpose. And that, I am still trying to fathom. Perhaps on the day of judgement the revelation will be revealed? Jesus Christ was forced into carrying his cross to Cavalry amidst the degradation and humiliation, the indignity of human betrayal and to suffer an excruciatingly painful death. We can all recite: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" Can you imagine the cruelty of feeling totally abandoned in this world? Mankind had abandoned him and he felt that even his own father, this spiritual being had also forsaken him; he suffered physical pain and "rose" above this by death and the resurrection. It sounds like an incredible story don't you think? Without faith it would be impossible to believe.

 

Where do I fit in here? Me? I was just another sad statistic suffering emotional pain which affected me physically, mentally and emotionally, insignificant to others but carrying my own "cross" which was so painful. To lose custody to my in-laws and an irresponsible husband in a north-eastern court in the UK was rare. David was 3 years of age and we were very close. That soon changed. I was humiliated and I had to live with that humiliation. Completely devastated.

 

 

Bill's parents, Eleanor and Billy Hunt turned viciously on me when I intimated that the marriage was over and I was leaving Bill. My life was threatened. I was attacked by Billy Hunt and told that David wasn't going with me: "Over my dead body" that kind of thing. I took the car and went in hiding for 3 days, a nervous wreck. Being threatened by a "relative" was wicked. Eleanor called me a slut and cursed me. She said I didn't deserve to have any children. Almost the same as saying you don't deserve to be alive. There was a conspiracy between the three of them and the probation officer, Mrs Henry who disliked me for being confident and professional. I was criticised for returning to work after having had my child. In the north-east it wasn't the kind of thing a woman did! She stayed at home and looked after the "bairn(s)." My ex-husband had made it very clear that he couldn't support a family of three so it was Hobson's Choice for me. Work and support your family, do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening and an endless list of chores that exhausted me all the time. And turn a blind eye to an unfaithful husband having his flings whenever it took his fancy! Which was quite frequently.

 

I was made to feel incompetent as a woman, a mother on that fateful day. Part of me died that day. The baby I had carried for 40 weeks inside me, the child I had given life to and adored beyond words was taken from the "womb" and became A LOST CAUSE.

My ex-husband, his vicious parents and an over-officious, prejudiced probation officer were responsible for turning nature into a world of chaos, my world and my son's. The sky turned black, full of despair. The birds stopped singing. Nature sighed. Pathetic fallacy is the term.

 

Being an educated woman, there were always more questions than answers to human existence and striving towards our own utopias. Idealism? Of course. Weren't we all idealists? I think all educated and non-educated people wanted their own utopia even if it was mythical and fantastical. We needed a dream to believe in, to believe in ourselves, to propel us forward, to inspire us to fulfil our wildest dreams. Remember Martin Luther King? I admired him like so many others and felt sadness at his loss. We all shared his dream for humanity and it lives on even now.

 

1977 an accidental pregnancy two years into a difficult marriage. Eleanor Hunt believed that I had done it deliberately and so Bill was somewhat upset. I still don't know what I would have achieved by doing it on purpose. Who wants to work full-time and bring up a baby to the point of collapsing from exhaustion? I don't think I was that stupid. So, things got off to a bad start and continued to get worse over time...........................

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......................................to be continued.........................................................................................

 

COPYRIGHT 2013. Permission must be obtained from the author to reproduce any part of this autobiography.