More Lost Causes? by Carol Naylor.
More Lost Causes?
It was probably around about July 1981. I can't call it life-changing as an experience but it did cause havoc and shaped my life as I know it now. Pear-shaped perhaps? Something definitely went seriously wrong. I kept thinking that someone out there didn't like me very much and it was pay back time. It's still painful thinking about it more than fifty years later.
I arrived at York University a bit reluctant to sleeping in student accommodation and having to tolerate self-catering and mixing with lots of odds and sods. It wasn't my idea of heaven. I had to apply for leave of absence and it was so close to the end of term when my timetable was light and I didn't feel so under pressure. I had been studying with the O.U. since my ex thought it unwise to pursue my M,Ed at this time. I was coming to the end of the diploma course and I had to attend a summer school. Now if I'd been an undergraduate I would have relished the opportunity to let my hair down and go wild-yes, five days of freedom. a small price to pay for those long hours of working non-stop. Those were the days when I was still indulging in alcohol, not excessively but I was a social drinker. Within a short space of time, the drinking stopped.
I had decided to pack some flimsy clothes and high heels which I didn't often wear. Why I don't know. One of my fav. outfits was a black three piece, a tight top, tighter trousers and a silky matching jacket. It reminded me of the days when I was available and free. A touch of nostalgia.
Our tutorial meeting went badly. This guy gave me the creeps asking everyone personal questions which was probably perfectly natural but to me it seemed like a gross intrusion into my privacy and I was reluctant to divulge anything un-necessary. I am not the easiest of characters the best of times.
The tutor was called Derek and he was living in Milton Keynes, the home of the O.U. I found out that he was a graphic designer who had retrained and was now working on educational material for teachers like me. He was sociable and the others seemed to bond with him. Me? I was a bit more suspicious. He had a live-in girlfriend and I wasn't looking for a partner. Perhaps a friend, yes.
Within days I had stopped phoning home and reporting back. A bad sign. I met up with an older teacher from Bletchley called Joyce, who had roots in the north-east where I was living at the time. She mothered me a bit and strung along in the evenings when we had plenty of entertainment. One night I decided to dress the vamp and danced the night away. For once I was enjoying myself and no-one was going to stop me. It was like being released from a prison cell where I had been locked away. I can remember Cindy Lauper singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun. That was me. The thought bugged me. Why was I behaving like this? This was just the beginning. Had I been so badly repressed? Damaged goods? Obviously yes.
Bopping the night away, the room buzzing with life I was then aware of Derek pushing through and joining me. He moved close and I could smell his Christian Dior as we moved seductively to the rhythm of the 80s music. I was excited and from then on felt an infatuation towards this man. Dangerous.
Not only did I have the pleasure of working with him during the day but the evenings were shared. At first we stayed in a group, speaking in philosophical terms, something I had enjoyed from my student days. One night we left someone's room about 4.0.a.m. and watched the sun rising together. The the revelation about his feelings towards me. I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden, I had always repressed feelings so this was second nature to me. Outside at 4.0.a.m. the world stopped for me but I was the one spinning. I went to bed alone, utterly confused and naturally, I didn't sleep.
Through lack of sleep the next day I felt like shit as you can well imagine. I tried to avoid contact with Derek which was not always easy, but yes, I kept my distance. Joyce had suspected there was something going on between us and I am sure the others suspected it too. This kind of thing happened all the time at these summer schools. Just a summer fling, no harm done. Over before you know it.
I weakened, I succumbed to his advances and enjoyed the intimacy which I had craved for so long. Unfortunately, no-one tells you how to deal with the separation or the closure. I remember at the end of that week feeling absolutely depressed at the thought of walking away from him forever and going back home. I think he was a bit confused over his feelings. He wanted me to contact him within a few weeks once things had settled and once he was home in Milton Keynes.
Parting from him was so sad and I remember returning to my parents' home in Leeds feeling an awful emptiness. I told my mother I had met someone and broke down in tears. Was this love or just an infatuation? A fling that would end as soon as it began? I didn't know. All I knew was that it hurt and that the future would feel less secure.
The next day my husband came to Leeds to collect me to take me home. It wasn't so much the guilt of having a short-lived affair, it was the fact that I had felt so much in such a short space of time. I knew that things would never be the same and of course, they weren't....... I was devastated.
REVIEW it by Carol Naylor.
Copyright 2015. Permission must be obtained from the author before any of this is reproduced.
It was probably around about July 1981. I can't call it life-changing as an experience but it did cause havoc and shaped my life as I know it now. Pear-shaped perhaps? Something definitely went seriously wrong. I kept thinking that someone out there didn't like me very much and it was pay back time. It's still painful thinking about it more than fifty years later.
A teenager, home in Leeds.
I arrived at York University a bit reluctant to sleeping in student accommodation and having to tolerate self-catering and mixing with lots of odds and sods. It wasn't my idea of heaven. I had to apply for leave of absence and it was so close to the end of term when my timetable was light and I didn't feel so under pressure. I had been studying with the O.U. since my ex thought it unwise to pursue my M,Ed at this time. I was coming to the end of the diploma course and I had to attend a summer school. Now if I'd been an undergraduate I would have relished the opportunity to let my hair down and go wild-yes, five days of freedom. a small price to pay for those long hours of working non-stop. Those were the days when I was still indulging in alcohol, not excessively but I was a social drinker. Within a short space of time, the drinking stopped.
I had decided to pack some flimsy clothes and high heels which I didn't often wear. Why I don't know. One of my fav. outfits was a black three piece, a tight top, tighter trousers and a silky matching jacket. It reminded me of the days when I was available and free. A touch of nostalgia.
Our tutorial meeting went badly. This guy gave me the creeps asking everyone personal questions which was probably perfectly natural but to me it seemed like a gross intrusion into my privacy and I was reluctant to divulge anything un-necessary. I am not the easiest of characters the best of times.
The tutor was called Derek and he was living in Milton Keynes, the home of the O.U. I found out that he was a graphic designer who had retrained and was now working on educational material for teachers like me. He was sociable and the others seemed to bond with him. Me? I was a bit more suspicious. He had a live-in girlfriend and I wasn't looking for a partner. Perhaps a friend, yes.
Newcastle University 1976. My Graduation.
Within days I had stopped phoning home and reporting back. A bad sign. I met up with an older teacher from Bletchley called Joyce, who had roots in the north-east where I was living at the time. She mothered me a bit and strung along in the evenings when we had plenty of entertainment. One night I decided to dress the vamp and danced the night away. For once I was enjoying myself and no-one was going to stop me. It was like being released from a prison cell where I had been locked away. I can remember Cindy Lauper singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun. That was me. The thought bugged me. Why was I behaving like this? This was just the beginning. Had I been so badly repressed? Damaged goods? Obviously yes.
Bopping the night away, the room buzzing with life I was then aware of Derek pushing through and joining me. He moved close and I could smell his Christian Dior as we moved seductively to the rhythm of the 80s music. I was excited and from then on felt an infatuation towards this man. Dangerous.
Not only did I have the pleasure of working with him during the day but the evenings were shared. At first we stayed in a group, speaking in philosophical terms, something I had enjoyed from my student days. One night we left someone's room about 4.0.a.m. and watched the sun rising together. The the revelation about his feelings towards me. I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden, I had always repressed feelings so this was second nature to me. Outside at 4.0.a.m. the world stopped for me but I was the one spinning. I went to bed alone, utterly confused and naturally, I didn't sleep.
Through lack of sleep the next day I felt like shit as you can well imagine. I tried to avoid contact with Derek which was not always easy, but yes, I kept my distance. Joyce had suspected there was something going on between us and I am sure the others suspected it too. This kind of thing happened all the time at these summer schools. Just a summer fling, no harm done. Over before you know it.
The Bride. Leeds. 1975.
I weakened, I succumbed to his advances and enjoyed the intimacy which I had craved for so long. Unfortunately, no-one tells you how to deal with the separation or the closure. I remember at the end of that week feeling absolutely depressed at the thought of walking away from him forever and going back home. I think he was a bit confused over his feelings. He wanted me to contact him within a few weeks once things had settled and once he was home in Milton Keynes.
Parting from him was so sad and I remember returning to my parents' home in Leeds feeling an awful emptiness. I told my mother I had met someone and broke down in tears. Was this love or just an infatuation? A fling that would end as soon as it began? I didn't know. All I knew was that it hurt and that the future would feel less secure.
The next day my husband came to Leeds to collect me to take me home. It wasn't so much the guilt of having a short-lived affair, it was the fact that I had felt so much in such a short space of time. I knew that things would never be the same and of course, they weren't....... I was devastated.
REVIEW it by Carol Naylor.
Copyright 2015. Permission must be obtained from the author before any of this is reproduced.
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